INSPIRATION
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Poetry From Oz
This poem was forwarded by an Australian sheep shearer to those living in the tropics who think about contracting malaria.
The day would soon arrive when I could not ignore the rash,
I was obviously ill so I called on Dr. Nash.
The standard consultation would adjudicate my fate,
I walked into his surgery and gave it to him straight.
I wonder if you could explain, this allergy of mine,
I get these pins and needles, running up and down my spine.
From there across my body it would suddenly extend,
My neck will feel a shiver and the hair stands up on end.
And then there is a symptom every man could only fear,
A choking of the throat and a crying of a tear.
"What is it Doc", I queried, "Have I got a rare disease?,
I'm man enough to cop it sweet so give it to me please."
The Doctor scratched his scone with a rather worried look,
His furrowed brow suggested that the news to come was crook.
"When is it that you feel this particular condition?",
I thought just for a moment, then I gave him my position.
"I get it when I'm standing in an Anzac Day Parade,
I get it when the anthem of our native land is played.
I get it when Meninga makes a kiwi crashing tonne,
And when Border grits his teeth and scores a really gutsy run.
I got it back in '91' when Farr-Jones won the cup,
And I got it when Japan was stormed by 'Better Loosen Up'.
It flattened me when Bertram raised the Flying Kangaroo,
And when Perkins smashed the record all the rashes were True Blue."
"So tell me Doc," I questioned, "Am I really gonna die?"
He broke into a smile, before he looked me in the eye.
He fumbled with his stethoscope and pushed it out of reach,
He wiped away a tear and gave this quiet speech.
"From the beaches here in Queensland, to the sweeping shores of Broome,
On the harbour banks of Sydney, with the Waratahs in bloom.
From the Uluru at sunset, to the mighty Tasman sea,
At the Adelaide Cathedrals, and the roaring MCG.
From the Great Australian Bight, to the Gulf Of Carpentaria....
In the Medical Profession, we call it Green and Gold Malaria.
But forget the text books Son, the truth I shouldn't hide,
The rash that you've contracted here is good old Aussie pride.
I'm afraid you were born with it, and one thing is for sure,
You'll die with it young man, because there isn't any cure."
By Jason Rupert Mcall.
Contributed by: Rupert McCall
08 Dec 02
Nails in the Fence
There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.
Finally, the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his Father who suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.
The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his Father that all of the nails were gone. The Father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence, where he said:
'You have done well my son, but look at all the holes in the fence - it will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave scars like these. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out; but it won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one.'
Contributed by: Helen Dirou - Source Unknown
27 Jul 03
A Woman Should Have...
...one old love going back to...
...and one who reminds her how far she has come...
...enough money within her control to move out and rent a place of her own, even if she never wants to or needs to...
...something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her dreams wants to see her in an hour...
...a youth she is content to leave behind...
...a past juicy enough that she is looking forward to retelling it in her old age...
...a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra...
...one friend who makes her laugh and one who lets her cry...
...a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone else in her family...
...eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems and a recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honoured...
...a feeling of control over her destiny...
Every Woman Should Know...
...how to fall in love without losing herself...
...how to quit a job, break up with a lover and confront a friend, without ruining the friendship...
...when to try harder and when to walk away...
...that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips or the nature of her parents...
...that her childhood may not have been perfect, but it's over...
...what she would and would not do for love or more...
...how to live alone, even if she doesn't like it...
...whom she can trust, whom she can't and why she shouldn't take it personally...
...where to go, be it her best friend's kitchen table or a charming inn in the woods when her soul needs soothing...
...what she can and cannot accomplish in a day, a month and a year...
Contributed by: Kristen Young
28 Jul 03
Desiderata
Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence; as far as possible, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always, there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements, as well as your humble plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be; and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.
(Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore, USA, dated 1692)
Contributed by: Brian Dirou
29 Jul 03
Don't Quit
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you are trudging seems all uphill;
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile, but you have to sigh;
when care is pressing you down a bit,
rest if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
as every one of us sometimes learns;
and many a failure turns about,
when he might have won had he stuck it out;
don't give up though the pace seems slow,
you may succeed with another blow.
Success is failure turned inside out,
the silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
and you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems so far;
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit,
it's when things seem worse that you must not quit.
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
29 Jul 03
Fishing....
A bad day fishing sure beats a good day at work...
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
09 Aug 03
Love....
Love is what is left over, after being in love is burned out....
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
14 Aug 03
Friendship
Friendship is:
sharing openly,
laughing often,
trusting always, and
caring deeply.
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
14 Aug 03
'High Flight'
Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of Earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there,
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air...
Up, up the long delirious burning blue
I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace,
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.
Contributed by: Pilot Officer John G. Magee, Jr., 412 Squadron, RCAF
14 Aug 03
To All Who Serve
The soldier stood and faced God
Which must always come to pass.
He hoped his shoes were shining
Just as brightly as his brass.
Step forward now, you soldier,
How shall I deal with you?
Have you always turned the other cheek?
To My Church have you been true?
The soldier squared his shoulders
And said, No Lord, I guess I ain't,
Because those of us who carry guns
Can't always be a Saint.
I've had to work most Sundays,
And at times my talk was tough;
And sometimes I've been violent,
Because the world is awfully rough.
But, I never took a penny
That wasn't mine to keep...
Though I worked a lot of overtime
When the bills just got too steep.
And I never passed a cry for help;
Though at times I shook with fear.
And sometimes, God forgive me,
I've wept unmanly tears.
I know I don't deserve a place,
Among the people here,
They never wanted me around
Except to calm their fear.
If you've a place for me here, Lord,
It needn't be so grand.
I never expected or had too much:
But if you don't, I'll understand.
There was a silence all around the throne
Where the Saints had often trod.
As the soldier waited quietly
For the judgment of his God.
Step forward now, you soldier,
You've borne your burdens well.
Walk peacefully on Heaven's streets;
You've done your time in Hell.
Contributed by: Jill Coughlan
14 Aug 03
Stand Back....
If you stand too close to anything, you will no longer see it.
Stand back from your own life and you will see things more clearly.
Imagine what your situation looks like from the outside, from an observer's point of view.
Contributed by: Horoscopes
15 Aug 03
Words to Ponder
....It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.
....It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.
....It is the soldier, not the campus organiser, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.
....It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag, who dies under the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.
....It is the soldier who allows the protester to burn the flag.
[Copy of a letter from Trent Dolphin (age 13) lock]
Contributed by: Allan Costello
12 Sep 03
I am....
I am nothing more than what you hear,
An OK bloke who has some fear.
A Veteran with a past untold,
A quiet guy whos not too bold.
I am nothing more than what you see,
A bloke who only wants to be.
An angry guy who has been hurt,
A proud man whos been told hes dirt.
I am nothing more than what you feel,
A happy bloke in times unreal.
A killer when I had to be,
A survivor in an angry sea.
I am nothing more than what I dare,
A father with great love and care.
A husband who can love with glee,
All I truly am is
me
Adrian White
18th March 2000
Contributed by: Anthony Pahl
26 Sep 03
Yourself....
At the end of each day, reflect upon yourself; the good things and the bad things.
And, when you wake up tomorrow; you will be a better person.
Contributed by: Brian Dirou
29 Sep 03
Bill
The call came through `bout half past five
as we landed at the Dat.
A patrol out near Diggers Rest
had caught some VC flack.
We`d just commanded an insertion
in Albatross Zero One
so all the command radios
had to be removed before the run.
The quick release catches
never lived up to their job.
It seemed to take forever
for the bloody things to move.
But move they finally did
and we took the radios out.
I raced to get the litter
while the blokes refuelled the craft.
We took off in a hurry,
loaded with ammo, a litter and fuel
and headed east to Diggers Rest-
towards the clearing patrol.
When we raised them on the radio;
we told them to throw smoke.
They confirmed the smoke was thrown.
God! We hoped it was a joke.
The smoke was red which meant
that a winch job was required
and the pick-up area was insecure.
We were likely to come under fire.
Robbo, the pilot, asked us all
if we were prepared to take the risk.
We all agreed! Well we were there.
It'd be a piece of piss.
So Shippy lowered the litter
but it hung up in the trees.
The jungle canopy was too dense -
we'd have to try a free release.
I held onto the litter
while Shippy released the drum.
When forty yards of cable looped
I threw the litter down.
The message came from down below -
the first bloke was dead and cold.
The poor bastard that they'd strapped in
was raised to create a hole.
But that didn't really matter;
the guy was just dead meat.
He'd received a burst of bullets
from left shoulder to right cheek.
We lifted the covered body
and shoved it behind the pilots' seats
then sent the litter down again;
so far, so good, no sweat.
The second bloke came up
and we hauled him into the craft;
Five bullets in one thigh
and three in the other calf.
He screamed as we lifted him
from the litter to the floor.
"Hurry up you bastards!
I can't take no more!"
Shippy sent the litter down again
to pick up the third guy.
But the second guy had fainted.
I wasn't about to let him die.
I took off my flack jacket
and covered him with my vest
then sat on the floor of the chopper
cradling his head upon my chest.
Up came the litter with the third bloke
but it was swingin' out of control.
Shippy leaned out and grabbed it
and hauled it through the door.
Just as the litter was half way in
we started taking fire.
"We're out of here!" the skipper said,
"Before we're a funeral pyre."
I grabbed the hand of the bloke I held
and wiped his face with my sleeve.
His eyes turned up and looked into mine
"I can't die mate - save me please."
I cradled his head in my lap
and stroked his sweaty hair,
and gently squeezed his hand in mine-
but all he did was stare!
A burst of seven rounds
had come up through the floor.
Five had got him in his back,
through my foot, the sixth had torn.
We found the seventh bullet
lodged in the litter frame.
I've still got it somewhere
and somewhere it can remain.
I can clearly hear the words
and still see the metal tags
of Bill who died in my arms
and went home in a body bag.
But my friend Bill, who I met just once,
is a large part of my life.
I've dreamed and screamed and smelt and felt
the pain of inner strife.
And now he is immortalized
inside my heart forever.
For now I have exposed myself
to the reality of his power.
Other powers still infect my mind
from since I was just a boy.
And when I can cope with countless more. . .
. . . my mind may sing with joy.
Copyright 26 July 1995 by Anthony W. Pahl
Contributed by: Anthony W. Pahl, OAM
12 Mar 06
Circle of Life
As the eagle soars on high
'Midst swirling clouds and rain
Free from any terrestrial tie
That may his spirit restrain
With the Sun at his back and showers before
He climbs ever upward his domain to explore
And views what earthman can not comprehend
The halo of light
The rainbow, no end
Contributed by: Lloyd Knight
05 Dec 06
HUMOUR/TRIVIA
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Why Men Are Not Secretaries...
Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:
'Someone from the Guyna Colleges called. They said the Pabst beer is normal. I didn't know you liked beer!'
(I you don't get it the first time, read it aloud.)
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
27 Jul 03
Anti-terrorist Action
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife; so, on any Saturday at 2PM Australian Eastern Standard Time, all Australian women are asked to:
walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood terrorists; and
circle your block for one hour for this anti-terrorist effort.
All men should position themselves in lawn chairs at front of their house to:
prove they are not Taliban,
demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife;
exhibit support for all Australian women; and,
since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side would be further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
THE AUSTRALIAN GOVERNMENT WILL APPRECIATE YOUR EFFORTS TO ROOT OUT TERRORISTS AND APPLAUD YOUR PARTICIPATION IN THIS ANTI-TERRORIST ACTIVITY!!!
Contributed by: Jim Treadwell
27 Jul 03
Writing in Outer Space
When NASA first began launching astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity.
To combat this problem, NASA scientists spend a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300C.
The Russians used a pencil!
Contributed by: Chris Young - Emirates
27 Jul 03
Don't Bargain with God
Adam was moping around the Garden of Eden so God asked him:
'What is wrong with you?'
Adam replied: 'I don't have anybody to talk to'.
God said: 'Okay, I will create for you a woman companion. This person will gather food for you, cook for you and, when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you have had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it'.
Adam asked of God: 'What will a woman like this cost?'
God replied: 'An arm and a leg'.
Adam thought for a moment and then asked: 'What can I get for a rib?'
and, as they say: THE REST IS HISTORY...
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
27 Jul 03
Why I Love My Mom
Mom and Dad were watching TV when Mom said:
'I am tired and it is getting late; I think I will go to bed'.
She went to the kitchen to make sandwiches for the next day's lunches, rinsed out the popcorn bowls, took meat out of the freezer for supper the following evening, checked the cereal box levels, filled the sugar container, put spoons and bowls on the table and started the coffee pot for brewing the next morning. She then put some wet clothes in the dryer, put a load of clothes into the wash, ironed a shirt and secured a loose button. She picked up the game pieces left on the table and put the telephone book back into the drawer. She watered the plants, emptied a wastebasket and hung a towel up to dry. She yawned and stretched then headed for the bedroom. She stopped by the desk and wrote a note to the teacher, counted out some cash for the field trip and pulled a textbook out from hiding under a chair. She signed a birthday card for a friend, addressed and stamped the envelope and wrote a quick note for the grocery store, then put both near her purse.
Mom then creamed her face, put on moisturizer, brushed and flossed her teeth and trimmed her nails.
Dad called out: 'I thought you were going to bed?' 'I am on my way' she said.
She put some water into the dog's dish and put the cat outside, then made sure the doors were locked. She looked in on each of the kids and turned out a bedside lamp, hung up a shirt, threw some dirty socks in the hamper and had a brief conversation with the one still up doing homework. In her own room, she set the alarm, laid out clothing for the next day and straightened up the shoe rack. She then added 3 things to her list of things to do tomorrow.
About that time, Dad turned off the TV and announced to nobody in particular: 'I am going to bed', and he did, without another thought.
Anything extraordinary here ... wonder why women live longer?
BECAUSE WE ARE MADE FOR THE LONG HAUL!
Contributed by: Kathy Young - Emirates
27 Jul 03
Altering Course
This is a transcript of the actual conversation between a Royal Navy ship and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10 Oct 95.
IRISH - 'Please change your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision'.
RN - 'Recommend you change your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision'.
IRISH - 'Negative. You will have to change your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision'.
RN - 'This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, change YOUR course'.
IRISH - 'Negative, I say again, you will have to divert your course'.
RN - (Loudly) 'THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE TAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP'.
IRISH - 'We are a lighthouse.'
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
27 Jul 03
You Have Been in Asia Too Long ...
if:
1) The footprints on the toilet seat are your own.
2) You no longer wait in line, but immediately go to the head of the queue.
3) You stop at the bottom of the escalator to plan your day.
4) You habitually punch all the buttons as you leave the lift.
5) It has become exciting to see if you can get in the lift before anybody can get out.
6) You're willing to pay to use a toilet you wouldn't go near at home.
7) It is no longer surprising that the only decision made at a meeting is the time and venue for the next meeting.
8) You rank the decision making abilities of your staff by how long to takes them to reply: 'Up to you Mister'.
9) You no longer wonder how someone making US$200 per month can drive a Mercedes.
10) You accept the fact that you have to queue to get your number for the next queue.
11) You have considered buying a motorcycle for the next family car.
12) You accept without question the mechanic's analysis that the car is 'broken' and it will cost you a lot of money to get it fixed.
13) You find it saves time to stand and retrieve your cabin baggage while the aircraft is on final approach.
14) You think the Proton and the Kijang are stylish and well built cars.
15) You walk to the pub with your arm around your mate.
16) You answer the telephone with 'Hello' more than twice.
17) You are quite content to repeat your order 6 times in a restaurant that has only 4 items on the menu.
18) A T-bone steak and rice sounds just fine.
19) You believe everything you read in the local newspaper.
20) You regard traffic signals, stop signs and copy watch peddlers with indifference.
21) If when listening to the pilot prove he can't speak English, you no longer wonder if he can understand the Air Traffic Controllers.
22) You regard it as part of an adventure when the waiter exactly repeats your order and the cook makes something completely different.
23) You're not surprised when 3 men with a ladder show up to change a light bulb.
24) You think it is normal to wait 6 days to get your laundry back or pay a 50 percent surcharge for same day service.
25) Taxi drivers understand you.
26) You own a rice cooker.
27) Due to selective memory, you honestly believe you could return to the western world.
28) You can shake your hands almost perfectly dry before wiping them on your trousers.
29) You go on holiday with the Amah and leave the wife at home.
30) YOU UNDERSTAND ALL OF THE ABOVE REFERENCES!!!
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
27 Jul 03
Try This!!
(This item originated from our colleague and my special friend, Bill Shepherd, before he sadly left this world prematurely on 5 September 2001. Bill had great artistic talent and would have been a zealous participant in No. 9 Squadron Association endeavours. This satirical contribution reflected experiences while serving in South East Asia - BD)
WORK ON IT --- DON'T GIVE UP!!
Room Service: 'Morny, ruin sorbees.'
Guest: 'Sorry, I thought I dialled room service!'
RS: 'Rye,...ruin sorbees,...morny! Dewish to orda sunteen?'
G: 'Uh,...yes...I'd like to order some bacon and eggs.'
RS: 'Ow july den?'
G: 'What!!!?'
RS: 'Ow july den?...pry? boy?pooch?'
G: 'Oh! The eggs! Sorry, scrambled please.'
RS: 'Ow july dee baycheem...crease?'
G: 'Crisp would be fine.'
RS: 'Hokay, an san toes?'
G: 'What!!!?'
RS: 'San toes...july san toes?'
G: 'I don't er think so???'
RS: 'No? Judo wan toes?'
G: 'I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan toes' means!!'
RS: 'Toes!...toes!!...why djew Don Juan toes??...Ow bow singlis mopping we bother?'
G: 'English muffin!! Great!...I've got it! You were saying toast!!...Yes, English muffin will be fine.'
RS: 'We bother?'
G: 'No...just put the bother on the side.'
RS: 'Wod??'
G: 'Butter, I mean just put the butter on the side.'
RS: 'Copy?'
G: 'Sorry.'
RS: 'Copy?...tea?...mill?...'
G: 'Yes coffee please, and that's all.'
RS: 'Wan minnie. Ass ruin torino fee...strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlis mopping we bother an hunni (sigh) and copy...rye?'
G: 'Whatever you say.'
RS: 'Tendjewberrimud.'
G: 'You're welcome.'
Contributed by: Bill Shep
28 Jul 03
Beautiful Blonde
A beautiful well-dressed blonde seats herself in the first class cabin on a cross-country flight and settles herself in for the trip, smiling prettily at the admiring passengers seated around her.
Underway, a flight attendant soon approaches the blonde and says: "Miss, I'm sorry, but I see that your ticket is for coach and you're seated in first class; I'm afraid you'll have to move."
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model."
Slightly incredulous, the attendant alerts the senior flight attendant. The senior attendant approaches the blonde and says, politely: "I'm sorry, Miss, but since your ticket is for coach, you'll have to move back."
The blonde replies, sweetly: "I'm blonde, and I'm beautiful, and I'm going to New York to be a model" --and shows no signs of moving.
Frustrated, the senior attendant informs the captain, and he says he'll deal with the problem.
He turns over flight control, walks to the rear, and observes the blonde seated comfortably in first class. Approaching her with a smile, the captain leans over and speaks quietly into the blonde's ear. Almost immediately, she gathers her things, gets up, and moves quickly to the coach compartment.
Slightly amazed, the senior flight attendant asks the captain: "Captain, I'm impressed...what did you say to her?"
The captain grinned slyly and said: "I just told her that the first class cabin doesn't go to New York."
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
29 Jul 03
The Wild Blue Chatter
A couple of F15 fighters were escorting a C130 Hercules transport and the pilots were chatting to pass the time. The radio talk came around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.
The fighter pilots contended that their aircraft were better because of their superior speed, manoeuvrability, weaponry, etcetera and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C130 pilot said: 'Oh yeah....well, I can do a few things with this old girl that you would only dream about.'
Naturally, the fighter pilots challenged him to demonstrate and 'Just watch' came the quick retort.
And so they watched....and watched....and watched, but all they saw was the C130 continuing to fly straight and level.
After several minutes, the C130 pilot came back on the air saying: 'There, how was that?'
Not having seen anything, the fighter pilots asked: 'What are you talking about....what did you do?'
And the Hercules pilot replied: 'Well, I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back for a leak and got a cup of coffee.'
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
10 Aug 03
Grandma's New Bumper Sticker
I received a letter from Grandma last week. She writes:
'The other day, I went up to the local Christian bookstore and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly exhilarated that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, am I glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...., and I didn't notice the light had changed to green. It is a good thing that someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus! Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed: 'For the love of God, GO! GO! Jesus Christ GO!
What an exuberant cheer leader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all those lovely people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love.
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a 'sunny beach'. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out of the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing.... Why, even he was enjoying this religious experience.
A couple of people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this was when I noticed the lights had changed. So I waved to all my brothers and sisters, grinning at them, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car to get through the intersection before the lights changed again, and I felt rather sad that I had to leave them after all the love that we had started, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks.'
Grandma
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
10 Aug 03
There are Teachers, and then...
According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria was faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally, the Principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror!
There are teachers, and then there are educators....
Contributed by: Denny & Alan Mason
10 Aug 03
Nato Summit Prague
President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a pub close to the Old Town Centre in Prague. A guy walks in and asks the bartender, 'Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?' The barman says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?' Bush says, 'We're planning WW3', and the guy says, 'Really; what's going to happen?'
Bush says, 'Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde with big tits.' A little perplexed, the guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits; why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, 'See, smart ass; I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis.'
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
10 Aug 03
The Perks of Being Over 50....
1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
4. People call at 9 PM and ask, 'Did I wake you?'
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 PM.
9. You can live without sex, but not without glasses.
10. Your enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.
13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
15. You sing along with the elevator music.
16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
18. You can't remember who sent you this list!!!
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
10 Aug 03
Ain't it so true....
A woman is driving down a road. A man is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the man leans out the window and yells, 'PIG!!'
The woman immediately leans out of her window and yells, 'DxxKHxxD!!'
They each continue on their way and, as the woman rounds the next curve, she crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road.
Though for the day: IF WOMEN WOULD ONLY LISTEN!
Contributed by: Rachael Dirou
10 Aug 03
Retirement Bonus
The US Navy found they had too many Officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any Officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body, at choice of the Officer.
The first Officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second Officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a grizzly old Captain who when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.' It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider explaining about the nice cheques the previous two Officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, provided the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Captain to 'drop 'em', which he did. The MO placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. 'My God!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'
The Captain calmly replied, 'Vietnam.'
Contributed by: Lesley Robinson
10 Aug 03
Why Men Pee Standing Up
Seems God was just about done with creating the Universe, but he had two things left over in his bag so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.
He told them that one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. 'It's a very handy thing' God told them, 'and I was wondering if either one of you would like that!'
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, 'Oh, give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that. It seems just the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please Please! Pleeease! Give it to me.'
On and on he went like an excited little boy. So Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he should have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up and he was so excited. He wizzed on the bark of a tree and then went off to write his name in the sand, laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him for a moment and then God said to Eve, 'Well here's the other thing and I guess you can have it.' 'What's it called?' Eve asked. 'Brains', said God.
Contributed by: Ilva Johnson
10 Aug 03
Geography of the Sexes
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between the ages of 18 - 21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30, a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade, especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40, a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war, but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50, she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 - 60, she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled, but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 - 70, a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and conquering past, but alas, no future.
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but nobody wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between the ages of 15 - 80, a man is like Zimbabwe - ruled by a dick!
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
10 Aug 03
Retirement
Twice as much husband, half as much money....
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
14 Aug 03
'The Sonofabitch is Twins'
In 1964-65, the Stag Bar at Kadena was the domain of the 18thTFW. On occasions, some other Tac Air pilots might be allowed in. During this time-frame, PACAF held a Canberra Bomb Comp at the le Shima shooting gallery and bomb range. The USAF was represented by the 13th TBS 'Grim Reapers' out of the 415th TFW at Clark, the other two squadrons represented the RAAF and the RAF, who as I remember were stationed in Malaysia.
On the Friday night of the competition, a small contest was waged in the Stag Bar...Who could drink the most brew??? Rules were simple. Each organization would put up their champion. Each contestant would start with a six pack. One beer would be drunk every two minutes and all beer was chugged. At the end of each six pack, there would be a kidney break. Last man standing would win fame and glory, not to mention a rather sizeable pot of money being bet by all sides.
Things went rather well through the first twelve beers. By beer #15, the RAF champion was faltering and didn't make it through #16. The American was hanging on, but was starting to fail. The Aussie looked as cool as a man taking a stroll in the park. The third kidney break had the Aussie and the American headed for the men's room.
About a minute later, there was this awful noise coming out of the restroom, and it was obvious an A grade brawl had started. We kept hearing (among the curses), 'The sonofabitch is twins, the sonofabitch is twins!!!'
An immediate rush to the men's rook revealed exactly that. The Aussies had a pair of identical twin 'Leftenants', one rotating out of the contest, the other secreting himself in a stall.
Needless to say, this created quite a stir and the resulting breakage came to about the amount in the betting pool, which was forfeited to the management of the Officers Club.
Because it happened in the Stag Bar, it never made the Air Police blotter. After all, the COs of the 18th TFW, the 415th TFW, the RAAF Bomb Group and RAF Bomb Group were all present when this occurred!!!
There may be a moral here, I don't know; but it was certainly a different 'Happy Hour'.
Herb 10
(Probably the Roddy brothers, Dick and Jim, who were RAAF Intellos. Photography will be added, when the event is verified- BD)
Contributed by: William Mitcheltree
14 Aug 03
'For Sale'
FOR SALE
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica.
45 Volumes in Excellent Condition.
$1,000 or Best Offer.
No Longer Needed.
Got Married Last Weekend and...
WIFE KNOWS EVERYTHING!!!
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
14 Aug 03
Never Trust a Sailor!
A young blonde woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold dark waters of Sydney Harbour.
As she stood on the edge of the dock pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping are you?' he asked. 'Yes, yes I am.' replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there? I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me.'
The girl, having no better prospects, agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night. For the next 3 weeks, the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and make love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the Captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation.
The young woman came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and....he's screwing me.'
The puzzled Captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied: 'He sure is; this is the Manly ferry.'
Contributed by: Don Maclean - Qantas
14 Aug 03
A French Language Lesson
A language teacher was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designed as masculine or feminine.
'House' in French is feminine - 'la maison'.
'Pencil' in French is masculine - 'le crayon'.
One puzzled student asked: 'What gender is computer?'
The teacher did not know and and the word was not in her French dictionary; so, for fun, she split the class into 2 groups by gender and asked them to decide whether 'computer' should be a masculine or feminine noun.
The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine order ('la computer') because:
1) no one but their creator understands their internal logic,
2) the native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else,
3) even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later review; and
4) as soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
The women's group concluded that computers should be masculine ('le computer') because:
1) in order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2) they have a lot of data but still cannot think for themselves,
3) they are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4) as soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have got a better model.
THE GIRLS WON!!!
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
15 Aug 03
Useful Middle Eastern Phrases
(This material emerged from within the international airline flight training system at commencement of the 1991 Gulf War - BD).
AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN - Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.
FEKR GABUL DRADAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR - I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.
SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH OEH GOFTEH BANDE - I agree with everything that you have ever said or thought in your life.
AUTO ARREREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPANEH HAST - It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car.
FASHAL-EH TUPERHMAN NA DEGAT MANO GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMARA JEBAHKESH VAREHMAN - If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital appendages, I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my country in public.
KHREL JEPAHEH MANEH VA HAYEH AMERIKAHEY - I will tell you the names and addresses of many American spies travelling as reporters.
BALLI, BALLI, BALLI - Whatever you say!
MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHIELIEH, GHORBAN - The red blindfold will be lovely, Excellency.
TIEKH NUNEH OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM - The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. I must have your recipe.
Contributed by: Brian Dirou - Source Unknown
15 Aug 03
Barbecuing
When a MAN volunteers to do the BBQ, the following chain of events are put in motion:
The WOMAN goes to the store.
The WOMAN fixes the salad, vegetables and dessert.
The WOMAN prepares the meat for cooking, places it in a tray with the necessary cooking utensils and takes it to the MAN, lounging beside the grill, 3rd beer in hand.
The MAN places the meat on the grill.
The WOMAN goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
The WOMAN comes outside to tell the MAN that the meat is burning.
The MAN takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the WOMAN.
The WOMAN prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
After eating, the WOMAN clears the table and does the dishes.
Everyone praises the MAN and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
The MAN asks the WOMAN how she enjoyed 'her night off' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes:
'THERE IS JUST NO PLEASING SOME WOMEN!!'
Contributed by: Pat Shepherd
26 Aug 03
The Ant and the Grasshopper
CLASSIC VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs, dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold....
CONTEMPORARY AUSTRALIAN VERSION
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs, dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate like him are cold and starving.
The ABC and Channel 9 show up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table filled with food.
Australians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The Democrats, the Greens and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house.
The ABC, interrupting an Aboriginal cultural festival special from North Queensland with breaking news, broadcasts them singing 'We Shall Overcome'.
Bob Brown rants in an interview with Yana Wendt that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his 'fair share'.
In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. And the ALP quickly passes it through the Senate.
The ant's taxes are reassessed and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers.
Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the Government confiscates his home.
The ant moves to Asia, and starts a successful Agribiz company.
The TV stations later show the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away.
Meanwhile, the government-owned house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he hadn't maintained it.
Inadequate government funding is blamed, Kim Beazley now is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10 million.
The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose, the Sydney Morning Herald blames it on obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.
The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the Government for enriching Australia's multicultural diversity, who promptly terrorize the community.
Who says we don't live in a democracy?
Contributed by: Chris Young - Emirates
06 Sep 03
Rdenaig Wdors
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at an Elingsh uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht frist and lsat ltteer are at the rghit pclae.
The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wotuhit porbemls.
Tihs is bcuseae we do not raed ervey lteter by itslef, but the wrod as a wlhoe.....
Contributed by: Geoff Peterkin
17 Sep 03
A Confused Kiwi
Wiremu, a Kiwi rugby supporter, was experiencing pain in his nether regions and sought advice from an Aussie doctor. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and the only cure was removal of his testicles.
'No way Doc' replied Wiremu, 'I,m gitting a sicond opinion, ey!'
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner, he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said, 'Wiremu, you huv prostate suckness, ey!'
'What's the cure thin Doc, ey?' asked Wiremu, hoping for a different answer. 'Wull, Wiremu' said the Kiwi Doctor, 'Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls.'
'Phew, thunk God for that!' said Wiremu, those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me.'
Contributed by: Jim Treadwell
26 Oct 03
Cheap Drinks
Five Air Force vets were walking down the street when they came to a bar that was advertising 'Vets drinks-10c each'.
They went in and asked the old bloke behind the bar, what the deal covered.
The barman said, 'Whatever you want.'
So they ordered martinis. When they'd finished, they asked how much the next round would cost and were told that all their drinks would cost 10c each.
One asked, 'How come?'
The bar guy said, 'Well I'm a vet and about three years ago I won five million in Tatts, so I opened this place and have been serving cheap drinks to vets ever since.
The Air Force blokes finished their martinis and ordered another round. One of them said to the proprietor, 'I've been watching those fellows at the other end of the bar. They were here when we came in and they haven't ordered a drink yet, what's their story?'
Oh them,' said the publican. 'They're a bunch of army helicopter pilots. They're waiting for happy hour.'
Contributed by: Lloyd Knight
02 Dec 06
Bargaining with God
Eve was talking to God and told how she loved the garden, the apples were great, but she wasn't too keen on the snake. Everything else was just fine, but she was very lonely.
God said, 'That's easily fixed, I'll make you a man.'
Eve asked, 'What's a man?' 'Well,' said God. 'He will be bigger and stronger than you so he can protect you from the snake. He'll hunt and gather for you, and give you physical pleasure. However, he will be vain and not as smart as you, and will want to do all manner of silly things, like kicking balls and stuff.'
'That sounds OK,' said Eve. 'But there must be a catch.'
'Well,' God replied. 'Because he is so vain, we'll have to make him believe that I created him first.' 'OK, I can do that,' replied Eve.
'Good!' said God. 'We'll keep it our little secret, you know, just woman to woman.'
Contributed by: Lloyd Knight
02 Dec 06
Cannibals eat Airman
Several cannibals were recently recruited by the Defence Force.
'You are all part of our team now,' said the WOD during the welcoming briefing. 'You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the Mess for something to eat but please don't eat any of the other Defence employees.' The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later, their WOD remarked: 'You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with you; however, one of our Airmen has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?' The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the WOD had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others: 'Which one of you idiots ate the Airman?' A hand raised hesitantly to which the leader of the cannibals continued: 'You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Officers and no one noticed anything, but nooooooo, you had to go and eat the Airman!'
Contributed by: Unknown
05 Dec 06
Harley Davidson & Woman
Arthur Davidson, the inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, `Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.`
Arthur thought about it for a minute, then said, `I want to hang out with God.`
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, `Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?`
Arthur said, `Yes, that`s me.`
God said, `Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that`s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can`t run without a road?`
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally he said, `Excuse me, but aren`t You the inventor of woman?`
God said, `Yes.`
`Well,` said Arthur, `professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There`s too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusions...
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds...
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much...
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust...
5. And the maintenance costs are enormous!`
`Hmmmmm, you have some good points there,` replied God, `hold on.`
God went to His Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
`Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,` God said to Arthur, `but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.`
Contributed by: Ian Burke
21 Jan 07
Greeting Yanks at the "Ettamogah"
One evening a Yank appeared at the door of the "Ettamogah" airmens boozer in Vung Tau.
Matty Quinn was sitting in his usual spot, having a rum, when he happened to look up and see this bloke standing there. Matt could see that the bloke would like to come in, however instead of saying come in he says,
"Are you on your own or by yourself mate?" The GI was totally confused by this question and dis-appeared into the dark tropical night. We couldn't believe what had just happened and were still laughing when about half an hour later the GI re-appeared stuck his head in the door and announces "You' shittin me man!!". We had to let him come in and meet his new Aussie best friends! I think he was crook the next day.
Contributed by: George Beath
17 Apr 07
After the RAAF.
Following the recent death of one of our ex NUH loadmasters, John Parsons, who was working for us back in the early 1970s, I am reminded of an incident involving John that happened on a ferry flight of a Bell 205 from Singapore to Balikpapan via Java. The 205 had recently arrived from the USA and was being transferred to increase the fleet size working the East Kalimantan area.
Those days, there was little fuel available at the towns and airports along the way, so a fairly long route was necessary, via busier airports where fuel was available, even if the chopper was fitted with auxiliary fuel tanks. The ferry flight was piloted by Charlie Weeks, ex US Army and an experienced pilot. For some reason, Management decided no engineer was necessary and John was chosen to go along with Charlie, probably because he was in Singapore at the time and was an experienced UH1H crewman from 9 Squadron, RAAF. All expat crews lived in Singapore those days.
The flight went without any problems until they were to go from Semarang, Java, across the Java Sea to Banjamasin, in South Kalimantan, a leg of about 350 Nautical Miles, mostly over water. Somewhere in the middle of the ocean, the oil cooler blower seized and the engine oil temperature quickly shot up to red line on the gauge. (This blower was driven by hot compressed air from the engine, and at that time was quite unreliable, until they improved the bearings some time later.)
The 205 was fitted with fixed floats, or pontoons, large inflatable fabric bags which made the chopper capable of landing on water of land. Charlie set the helicopter down in water and they pondered their next move. After a while, a local fishing boat came along and Charlie and John transferred to the fishermans boat and abandoned the chopper.
Now Charlie, being American, did not carry cash, relying on his American Express card to pay for just about everything. The fisherman asked for money to take them to land, but were not impressed by the American Express card. They turned the boat back to helicopter and told the crew to get off, and then they motored away.
In Balikpapan, we followed this drama on the single frequency HF radio, which we shared with the oil company we worked for. (This was a bit of a problem as drillings Morning Report was considered more important than a downed helicopter.) We understood the crew had left the chopper and were surprised to hear them come back on the radio some time later. Charlie explained what had happened and also said they had removed the side door that covered area where the blower and oil coolers were located. Chief Engineer Frank Summers enquired how this was done, as we knew there were no tools with them. In a manner befitting the circumstances was the reply. John had heaved hard on the door and broke it off its hinges.
They started up, took off and flew back towards Semarang, with a lot of left pedal kicked in, making the helicopter fly slightly sideways. This forced air into the now doorless oil cooler compartment, the theory being that this might help keep the engine oil cool. It partially worked, but after about 15 minutes, the temp would hit red line and they would land and let things cool down. In a series of 5 or 6 hops, and several hours later, they made it back to Semarang and called for an engineer and new blower and door..and a lot of oil because it was pretty black by this time.
The second attempt to make it to Balikpapan went off without any drama.
The Good Old days. RIP John.
Contributed by: Jim Faulks
14 Sep 18
Operation Pattimura
This was a three-year operation (1979 81) to map the Indonesia islands. The No.2 Army Field Survey Team was contracted by the Australian Government, who was in turn contracted by the Indonesian Government to map their islands, over a three-year duration. Each year three Iroquois (two fitted with floats and one fitted with traditional skids) were deployed to Indonesia, initially flown to Darwin via Hercules, then reassembled and flown to the Indonesian island that was the main base for that years operation. The Iroquois were used to transport the No 2 Field survey team persons between islands.
I joined 9 SQN at the beginning of 1980, much to the displeasure of Alex Uziel (CPL). It was his opinion that no one should be posted directly to an operational SQN from trade training, in my case, Electrical Fitter, and that new trades persons should at least complete 5 years at a depot before being posted to an operational SQN.
In the end I completed two years with 9 SQN, and whilst completing my Flight Fitter training at 5 SQN Canberra early 1981, I received a call from Barry Stevenson (SNCOIC ElecFitt) asking how I was going on the course). He asked if I would be interested in going to the 1981 (last) deployment of operation Pattimura, of course I said yes.
Upon my return we started preparing for deployment. I recall flying to Darwin with John Senjov (LAC RADTECH, nickname Headjob), there were others, but John is the main person I recall, and whilst there we re-assembled the three Iroquois, carried out the required functional checks and cleared them for the flight to Indonesia.
The day they departed, I remember they were stripped very clean to keep weight down, and when they headed off they kept their altitude down to conserve fuel. They were headed for Saumlaki. Once they had passed the half way mark they radioed back to advise, so we loaded ourselves onto a Caribou and took off. At some point we passed the three Iroquois and landed ahead of them, in time for us to prepare for their arrival. Initially we landed them near the edge of the main strip, but we were instructed this was not allowed and upon their return from their first mission we had to set them down in a vacant area to one side of the strip, problem was that the area was littered with about one foot high mounds and it took a bit of effort to find a suitable area for the Iroquois to settle into.
Our camp was constructed by the Army and was located to the side of the main strip near the Saumlaki interisland airport. It resembled a concentration camp as it was surrounded by barbed wire and guarded by locals. We were there for four weeks initially as a base camp. The only other persons I recall from the trip was Rod MaCauley (LAC RADTECH) and Gary Volk (CPL INSTFITT). Whilst some trades persons exchanged due to the length of the trip, as I was single at the time, I elected to stay for the full duration. Actually, I dont think I had much choice.
Whilst at Saumlaki, there was one major incident were we almost lost one Iroquois. On the day, I was scheduled to be the launch person and was manning the radio. Whilst sitting near the fence observing the departures, two Iroquois (one skid and one float) had already departed and the remaining one was being flown by the CO of 9SQN. As he lifted into the hover, a side gust caught him and one of the floats het the top of a mound. This tore the stitching down one side of the RH float and it folded under the aircraft. The CO made a split second decision and decide to land the aircraft, and as it settled he kept the cyclic to the left to keep the main rotors from striking the ground. No further damage was suffered. The CO who had given up smoking, inhaled a packed within a short time after the event. The Co-Pilot commented that as he attempted to go through the shut down procedures expected of the Co-Pilot during such situations, he found that the CO had already completed them, such as turning fuel pumps off and including the mayday call. Just cant beat experience.
Every three days we were being resupplied with fresh food by the SAR Caribous out of Darwin, so it was arranged that the next delivery would include a replacement float. In preparation we had to dig holes under the damaged float to gain access to the valves and let the air out. When the replacement float arrived we carefully jacked that side of the aircraft to slightly above normal height and removed the damaged float, replaced the new float, attached it into place, inflated to required pressure and then lowered.
Other than that, our time at Saumlaki was uneventful. Upon completion of operations there, we deployed towards Timor, to a small island called Moa. The camp was a lot simpler, no boundary fence, but still erected by the Army. There was just a small village on the island, but our main concerns were with regards to the Indonesian Military, who insisted on providing a team to look after us. I think we all felt they were the main threat.
Upon arrival at Moa we soon found that the Australian Navy had failed to support us as was expected. The Aust Navy was tasked with delivering fuel to the island, the problem was that not only did they deliver it to the wrong side of Moa, but they were concerned about damaging the underside of their beaching craft and decided to deploy the drums of fuel (Avtur, Petrol and plain kerosene) whilst several hundred metres offshore. They just rolled the drums into the sea and hoped the tide would carry them ashore. Lucky for us the locals were brighter than our navy persons and caught onto what was they were trying to achieve, they paddled out and helped direct the drums ashore, except for a couple which escaped. Once ashore they arranged them as per the colour coding on the top.
So, every few days we had to do a transfer of fuel drums from one side of the island to our camp on the other. The process was that the skid Iroquois would be stripped of all surplus equipment, including seats and winch. Then with a crew of Pilot, Co-Pilot, Loadmaster and one additional person they would head over to the other side where the village was, and the drums stored. On my trip, I climbed in to the LH side, sitting on the floor, feet over the edge and a seat strap across my waist. The pilot was Spider (Rider) and the Co-Pilot was a new chap. We headed out and were following the coast line of the island, low enough that we could feel the spray from the breaking waves. At some point Spider handed control over to the new Co-Pilot and as the flight continued we slowly started gaining altitude, this was noticed by Spider ad he made the comment that if he did not want to get back down then hand the aircraft back, end result was that spider took control again. Upon arrival we set down on the beach, the loadmaster and I debarked and organised the drums for the first load, priority being for AVTUR. I believe the load was 4 44gallon drums, I stayed behind and just the loadmaster returned. Whilst they returned to camp I would organise the next load, on the last trip we loaded just three drums with the loadmaster and myself strapped in each side. I recall we were very heavy on the return flight and had to stay at sea-level around the island to camp.
Another incident occurred when the main generator failed on one of the aircraft, using the HF they called back to camp and asked for a rescue. I was summonsed, so I grabbed the spare we had brought and the required tools and test equipment. Then I waited for one of the other aircraft to return and pick me up. It flew me to the small island the U/S Iroquois was located, offloaded me and headed off again. In due course I had replaced the faulty main generator and carried out the checks, all good, lets go. But after a check of the all up load, it was looking grim. The aircraft was sitting in the centre of a small school sports field and during some hover tests as soon as we got out of ground effect the tail rotor could no longer stop the torque rotation. So, after some talk by the pilot and co-pilot we hovered side ways towards the low boundary fence, jumped over it and out onto the beach where we settled again. After some preparation, we pulled into the hover again, and whilst staying in ground effect, we headed down the beach gaining forward speed, eventually the island ran out and we headed out over the sea slowly gaining height. The flight proceeded well until a small dispute between the pilot and co-pilot as to the correct direction started. One stated that on our current direction we were headed for Timor, and that we should veer left. I recall the loadmaster and I looking at each other with concern, in the end an agreement was reached, and we veered left, our island eventually coming into site, it was great to see our camp.
All in all, it was a great deployment.
Contributed by: Lloyd Cutler
16 Sep 18